Day 91–I Just Don’t Want to Die Without a Few Scars

Just because Northern Cardinals are everywhere does not mean they aren't beautiful.

“May I never be complete. May I never be content. May I never be perfect.”

So, as you may have noticed, I’ve dropped the ball on blogging lately, for the past three weeks or so. There are many things to blame, two wonderful and long vacations, technical difficulties, life getting in the way, but overall, I’ve been suffering from a bout of depression that’s left me and my routine jarred. Depression is a disease I’ve suffered through all of my life, and while I do not consider my personal struggles as intense or serious as what I have seen in many others, it is a difficult affliction.  For those who have lived with depression, its easy to understand how difficult it can sometimes be just to get out of bed, go to work, cook or eat food, or do anything except stare at a TV.  For those that haven’t suffered from depression (and I’m not talking about the event-induced depression all but those with the most charmed existence has experienced), it’s difficult to understand.  People tend to think I’m lazy, frazzled and disorganized when these bouts come upon me.

So, here’s how it works.  I have a wonderful life.  I have a partner better than any man I could dream up. I have friends who are wonderful, understand me and love me.  I have a freaking awesome dog, and cat, and live with a toddler who is nothing but entertaining and endearing. My house is beautiful. I’m well-traveled. I have hobbies. I make a satisfying and significant difference in the world through my conservation work. I work with animals for a living. I eat very well. I don’t have a lot of money, but I don’t need it either. I’m healthy.  I am both intelligent and attractive. My teeth are enviable and my eyes are a lovely shade of green, just like my dad’s. I have smatterings of talent here and there that make me feel special.  In general, I am absolutely blessed. My biggest problem lately is that I can’t find hemp milk at my normal grocery store.

So why, even HOW, do I get depressed? It’s a disease. It’s chemical. That’s what so many people don’t understand, and that’s really why I’m writing this post. Depression is like excema. It’s something that isn’t always present, but it can flare up severely, and it’s always right under the surface, and most importantly, it’s something we can’t help.

All that said, there’s even something to be thankful for in the depression. I have a deeper understanding of myself, life, and art thanks to these periods of shadow. Learning to identify depression symptoms in myself has also made these periods much easier to cope with.

And, I’m back. The shadows have passed, and you can expect regular updates again. I know my blog is rarely very personal, so there’s a little insight, not so much into myself, but perhaps into a disease you do not understand or are not familiar with.

Oh, and of course there’s a photo for you, DAY 91!

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